I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
