Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
