I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
