I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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