i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
