On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
