update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
