So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
