I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
