i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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