I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Dear god my vagina.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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