She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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