watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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