turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
