This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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