Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
