gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
