New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
