First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
