i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
not ubering you a puppy
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
