So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
