In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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