I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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