I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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