woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We're too hungover to prance.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
