Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
