we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
