I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
