Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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