ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I stole a fireplace last night.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
