when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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