Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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