very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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