New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
