Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
