so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
