i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
