Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
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