omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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