I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
