So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
