You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
