Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
