just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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