Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
