So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
