Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
