I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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