Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
