mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
