; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
