i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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