You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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